I'm Alone

now...before you go reading into the title...no worries. this is not some post about a deep emotional detachment from the world. its just about me. and my neuroses.

things were different on break. i saw min a lot. i mean...A LOT. which was so fun. i missed her. i think normally when i go home, i don't have that good of a time, so now its strange. and i'm so sick of school. and now that i'm in winona...i feel weird. detached. like i have to grow back into the life i've created. and i know, i've only been gone for a few days. but it freaks me out.

i like things to be comfortable. and its not. because i'm going through some sort of personality, relational growing pains. and i bet this will last for like 2 days and i'll be fine. but it doesn't feel like it right now. like i am the piece of the puzzle that doesn't fit.

and i know sort of where all this is stemming from...and its ridiculous. i have a problem sometimes with having my own opinions. i know that sounds super lame. but its true. like, if something i think it totally different from someone else, somehow that isn't okay? for example the election... i don't know. basically i'm not secure enough in my decisions sometimes. so then when my thoughts or feelings or decisions are different from someone i trust, it gets me all confused. it makes me feel like a lesser person. and now i feel like i'm admitting too much. and the ache in my throat has started...

i wonder if this is all just some sort of stress reaction. two weeks left of school. about 6 weeks before i'm out of the country. and the biggest question about that is...how hard is it going to be to fit back into my old life after that? how much with my friends have moved on by the time i'm in MN again? will they still want to talk to me? will they still be interested in me?

wow. this is turning into a super big pity party. and i'm pulling the plug.

Black Friday = Bad News Bears

this article infuriates me. how can people stand by when a person is dying? or something as stupid as a deal on a TV. come on.

read it here.

Please Don't Tell Me That This is All I Talk About

i would like to deny my obsession with Twilight. the movie. but i can't...let's make that clear first.

that being said...this will be probably the billionth post about something related to it. plus i need to let you all in on my thoughts about the movie - which i will be seeing again on saturday.

so i gave you a brief intro the movie's soundtrack with my last post about Paramore's "Decode." the thing is...basically all the songs on the soundtrack rock just as much. they have sort of a haunting tone. underlying with pain and edginess. it goes right along with the feel of the movie. i don't know...its hard to describe, but amazing. let me go through the list...

1. Supermassive Black Hole by Muse

it's just a cool song. nothing i would normally listen too. and the melody is haunting. it sounds like the harmonies are almost grinding against each other in like a 7th stretch - okay i can't remember the real musical name - but you might get my drift.

2. Decode by Paramore

we've already talked about this...

3. Full Moon by The Black Ghosts

i can see where it is clearly in the film, and i like that. its more of an acoustic vein...which sets itself up nicely against more techno, rock, bluesy tracks.

5. Spotlight by Mutemath

i always heard i should like this band...now i know why.

8. I Caught Myself by Paramore

i LOVE this song. i love it more than decode. it makes me want to be in love again. its great. i found myself numerous times throughout the day breaking the rules of my blown-out speakers and cranking this song while singing to it at the top of my lungs.

9. Eyes on Fire by Blue Foundation

sounds like Tegan and Sara...which is interesting. there is a mixing of melodies over the top of each other which is an awesome affect, and then there are those haunting harmonies again.

10. Never Think by Rob Pattinson

i didn't know he could sing. he can. and i like it. his voice is a bit of John Mayer, but more painful. and i can't really understand him, which is a bit charming. plus its a good mix between the other songs...this is more the blues. and pain. same with "Let Me Sign" his other track on the disc (#13)

11. Flightless Bird, American Mouth by Iron and Wine

i forgot how much i loved this band and then i heard this song. its amazing. and now i'm asking for their cd. so simple. soft. and i just keep picturing the end of the movie, because that's where it comes in. the melodies are great, and there seems to be an accordion or something similar playing on the 2nd verse, which is awesome.

if you'd like to hear what i'm talking about for yourself...you can preview all the songs here on Amazon. happy listening!

Round and Round the Lyrics They Go

i really like this song. it gets stuck in my head. and i would have just put the song up - and not the video - but i can't do that on Blogger. hmm...i guess that's one point to Xanga.

anywho...enjoy. i'll have the full critique of Twilight later. i've decided i have to see it a second time before forming my opinion fully.

Sometimes I Feel Smart

we have to read this for fiction writing on Tuesday. i've read the story before, but its still intriguing after a few reads. Hemingway believed that a story should have many layers. its known as the iceberg theory. basically if you think about looking at an iceberg in water, you can only see the top of it, but it goes much deeper below the water's surface. in the same respect, he thought that stories should exist 1/8th on the page and 7/8ths off of it.

so when reading his fiction, most of what hew as hoping the read to see is not even on the page. its below the surface. you have to think about it to discover the deeper meaning. as a writer...i find that pretty interesting. and intimidating. here's his short story below if you care to read.

Hills Like White Elephants

By Ernest Hemingway

The hills across the valley of the Ebro were long and white. On this side there was no shade and no trees and the station was between two lines of rails in the sun. Close against the side of the station there was the warm shadow of the building and a curtain, made of strings of bamboo beads, hung across the open door into the bar, to keep out flies. The American and the girl with him sat at a table in the shade, outside the building. It was very hot and the express from Barcelona would come in forty minutes. It stopped at this junction for two minutes and went to Madrid.

'What should we drink?' the girl asked. She had taken off her hat and put it on the table.

'It's pretty hot,' the man said.

'Let's drink beer.'

'Dos cervezas,' the man said into the curtain.

'Big ones?' a woman asked from the doorway.

'Yes. Two big ones.'

The woman brought two glasses of beer and two felt pads. She put the felt pads and the beer glass on the table and looked at the man and the girl. The girl was looking off at the line of hills. They were white in the sun and the country was brown and dry.

'They look like white elephants,' she said.

'I've never seen one,' the man drank his beer.

'No, you wouldn't have.'

'I might have,' the man said. 'Just because you say I wouldn't have doesn't prove anything.'

The girl looked at the bead curtain. 'They've painted something on it,' she said. 'What does it say?'

'Anis del Toro. It's a drink.'

'Could we try it?'

The man called 'Listen' through the curtain. The woman came out from the bar.

'Four reales.' 'We want two Anis del Toro.'

'With water?'

'Do you want it with water?'

'I don't know,' the girl said. 'Is it good with water?'

'It's all right.'

'You want them with water?' asked the woman.

'Yes, with water.'

'It tastes like liquorice,' the girl said and put the glass down.

'That's the way with everything.'

'Yes,' said the girl. 'Everything tastes of liquorice. Especially all the things you've waited so long for, like absinthe.'

'Oh, cut it out.'

'You started it,' the girl said. 'I was being amused. I was having a fine time.'

'Well, let's try and have a fine time.'

'All right. I was trying. I said the mountains looked like white elephants. Wasn't that bright?'

'That was bright.'

'I wanted to try this new drink. That's all we do, isn't it - look at things and try new drinks?'

'I guess so.'

The girl looked across at the hills.

'They're lovely hills,' she said. 'They don't really look like white elephants. I just meant the colouring of their skin through the trees.'

'Should we have another drink?'

'All right.'

The warm wind blew the bead curtain against the table.

'The beer's nice and cool,' the man said.

'It's lovely,' the girl said.

'It's really an awfully simple operation, Jig,' the man said. 'It's not really an operation at all.'

The girl looked at the ground the table legs rested on.

'I know you wouldn't mind it, Jig. It's really not anything. It's just to let the air in.'

The girl did not say anything.

'I'll go with you and I'll stay with you all the time. They just let the air in and then it's all perfectly natural.'

'Then what will we do afterwards?'

'We'll be fine afterwards. Just like we were before.'

'What makes you think so?'

'That's the only thing that bothers us. It's the only thing that's made us unhappy.'

The girl looked at the bead curtain, put her hand out and took hold of two of the strings of beads.

'And you think then we'll be all right and be happy.'

'I know we will. Yon don't have to be afraid. I've known lots of people that have done it.'

'So have I,' said the girl. 'And afterwards they were all so happy.'

'Well,' the man said, 'if you don't want to you don't have to. I wouldn't have you do it if you didn't want to. But I know it's perfectly simple.'

'And you really want to?'

'I think it's the best thing to do. But I don't want you to do it if you don't really want to.'

'And if I do it you'll be happy and things will be like they were and you'll love me?'

'I love you now. You know I love you.'

'I know. But if I do it, then it will be nice again if I say things are like white elephants, and you'll like it?'

'I'll love it. I love it now but I just can't think about it. You know how I get when I worry.'

'If I do it you won't ever worry?'

'I won't worry about that because it's perfectly simple.'

'Then I'll do it. Because I don't care about me.'

'What do you mean?'

'I don't care about me.'

'Well, I care about you.'

'Oh, yes. But I don't care about me. And I'll do it and then everything will be fine.'

'I don't want you to do it if you feel that way.'

The girl stood up and walked to the end of the station. Across, on the other side, were fields of grain and trees along the banks of the Ebro. Far away, beyond the river, were mountains. The shadow of a cloud moved across the field of grain and she saw the river through the trees.

'And we could have all this,' she said. 'And we could have everything and every day we make it more impossible.'

'What did you say?'

'I said we could have everything.'

'No, we can't.'

'We can have the whole world.'

'No, we can't.'

'We can go everywhere.'

'No, we can't. It isn't ours any more.'

'It's ours.'

'No, it isn't. And once they take it away, you never get it back.'

'But they haven't taken it away.'

'We'll wait and see.'

'Come on back in the shade,' he said. 'You mustn't feel that way.'

'I don't feel any way,' the girl said. 'I just know things.'

'I don't want you to do anything that you don't want to do -'

'Nor that isn't good for me,' she said. 'I know. Could we have another beer?'

'All right. But you've got to realize - '

'I realize,' the girl said. 'Can't we maybe stop talking?'

They sat down at the table and the girl looked across at the hills on the dry side of the valley and the man looked at her and at the table.

'You've got to realize,' he said, ' that I don't want you to do it if you don't want to. I'm perfectly willing to go through with it if it means anything to you.'

'Doesn't it mean anything to you? We could get along.'

'Of course it does. But I don't want anybody but you. I don't want anyone else. And I know it's perfectly simple.'

'Yes, you know it's perfectly simple.'

'It's all right for you to say that, but I do know it.'

'Would you do something for me now?'

'I'd do anything for you.'

'Would you please please please please please please please stop talking?'

He did not say anything but looked at the bags against the wall of the station. There were labels on them from all the hotels where they had spent nights.

'But I don't want you to,' he said, 'I don't care anything about it.'

'I'll scream,' the girl siad.

The woman came out through the curtains with two glasses of beer and put them down on the damp felt pads. 'The train comes in five minutes,' she said.

'What did she say?' asked the girl.

'That the train is coming in five minutes.'

The girl smiled brightly at the woman, to thank her.

'I'd better take the bags over to the other side of the station,' the man said. She smiled at him.

'All right. Then come back and we'll finish the beer.'

He picked up the two heavy bags and carried them around the station to the other tracks. He looked up the tracks but could not see the train. Coming back, he walked through the bar-room, where people waiting for the train were drinking. He drank an Anis at the bar and looked at the people. They were all waiting reasonably for the train. He went out through the bead curtain. She was sitting at the table and smiled at him.

'Do you feel better?' he asked.

'I feel fine,' she said. 'There's nothing wrong with me. I feel fine.'

To the Point

the new Bond movie was fantastic. and that's all you need to know.

...now go see it.

These Are Too Hilarious For Me Not to Share:

Gap likes The Office. so this year, instead of John Krasinski looking cool with a scarf...they've got Rainn. and his moves. enjoy...

Adoring Fans...

Sorry. I tried to post twice yesterday and it didn't work. Boo.

There is this checklist I have to complete for the Study Abroad office. It's almost done. I am so Gold - its a temperment thing we do at work. I just have figure out which classes I'm taking out next Fall (when the schedule isn't even out), file an
"Intent to Return" form, meeting with the Business Office, and then its all over.

There are only four weeks left of school. I am ready. Seriously.

My mom read "Twilight" when she was in Hawaii, which I didn't know until today. It was so funny, me and her talking over our work phones about Edward and Bella:

"It was so ambigious, it was like he wanted to take her into the next life in the beginning, but then I don't think he did in the end."

"No mom, he didn't turn into a vampire in the end."

"Oh. Well then why did he want to in the beginning?"

"He didn't. He wanted to eat her...basically."

"Oh."

And I can just see the people peering over the top or side of her cubicle giving her a what-the-heck-are-you-talking-about look. Haha.

Speaking of that book, the movie comes out next week. I went a watched some interviews with Rob Pattison (Edward) last night. There is something so charming about a guy who has no clue that he's cute. Basically he just went on about how there was no way that he was going to get the part because all the book talks about is how gorgeous Edward is, and he is definately not that. Now, I don't think he's the most beautiful person I've ever seen, but I think he fits the part very well.

Somewhere after those I was looking online, I can't remember where...but I came across these great pictures of Rob and Kristen (Bella) - and some other members of the cast - taken for Vanity Fair. It made me want to be a photographer. The pictures are so different, at least I think the photographer chose really interesting stances and poses for everyone. Plus the way they are dressed set against the field background is a really cool contrast. And everyone looks so pretty. Lol. Plus, I wish I could make my eyes look like that. Like just say in my head "now look serious" and look super good doing it. That'd be great. Here's a link to the articles and a slideshow of the pictures. The whole cast...

Halloween. Whoa.

so i'm in the cities this weekend. i've been to the MOA two days in a row. so i think i've spent maybe...1/4 of my time at the mall. insane? yes.

what else did i do? well yesterday i got in my great costume - ceiling fan: me wearing a shirt that says "go ceilings" and wearing face paint - which no one really commented on. went to mitch's with luke. then went to a party full of kids that i graduated high school with. i thought it was going to be totally awkward. but it wasn't. which was very, very cool. everyone was nice to me. in the way that they actually looked at me when i walked by and some of them said hi. and some of they really talked to me too. the only downfall was running into my brother there. but...oh well.

the other thing i like about being up here...there are boys everywhere. i'm not joking. and not like in a "hot guys everywhere" kind of thing. there are just guys to hang out with. there were definitely more guys at the party. and i've been hanging out with guys 24/7 since i got here. i think its fun. plus i get sick of walking around a campus full of 75% women sometimes.

mk...we're gonna try to find something to do. lata.